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Wednesday, 28 June 2017

It's Been A While

I know very few, if any, people read this blog and it's been over a year in any event, but this evening I felt the need to write. It might be therapeutic, I have no idea.

I dropped out of blogging because after working part time for a few months my hours increased, as a result my crafting time reduced. I started in working towards the role I ended up with as a volunteer, when the vacancy arose I didn't apply. I wasn't what they needed, I didn't have the experience but I carried on in my volunteer role, increasing my hours because my predecessor left. They employed someone new, she changed her mind last minute, they asked me to work part time whilst they readvertised the role. Still I didn't consider applying. After a few months they simply asked if I wanted the job with more hours. I agreed but explained I hadn't the experience that they initially required. Oh don't worry about that, we will help you.

I loved working where I worked, my colleagues and the environment made the role fun, it was hard work but after a while I realised something had changed, I had self respect, something that had been lacking for a while. However the help from the PTB was not forthcoming, I asked about things I needed help with but my questions were brushed aside. Time went on, I hurt my knee meaning I was off sick for a little while, in that time one of the PTBs left and the atmosphere changed. Suddenly my work wasn't good enough, I got complaints about things that I had been doing for a while to help out generally, told I shouldn't be doing them. I asked for information and help for the areas where I had no experience, still none was forthcoming,

At the end of March I was told my contract would not be renewed because I couldn't do the things I said I couldn't do when they first employed me! It was the start of what would have been my busy season, my other colleagues were promised that the PTBs would take on my role until a new person who fulfilled their criteria could be found. That was 3 months ago, they haven't found anyone and the things they promised my colleagues? No of course they didn't take on my role, my ex colleagues are doing much of the work, with the odd bit of input from me. Part of me is angry, I could have continued the role until they found someone who could do the extra stuff, kind of working out my notice as it were but they wanted rid.

I don't actually miss the job as such, it was hard work at times, what I miss are my ex colleagues and the environment, I miss it so much that it hurts. My self respect has disappeared. I am applying for jobs and not getting replies, have had a couple of interviews but no joy, I am 50 years old and feel very much on the scrapheap. People have suggested that I turn my hobby, crafting into a job, however they don't understand as crafters do that it is very difficult to make any extra money on top of materials used. If it takes an hour to make a card and you pay yourself minimum wage, then that card is £7.50 before your price in materials and no one is going to pay that much for a card.

Lurking in the background is the black dog, I take my magic pills to keep him at bay but every now and then he jumps over the wall and says 'Co-ee it's me, I've come to torment you'. I've done the talking therapies, I know all the theories, I use the theories, distract myself so I don't worry about things (you'd be amazed at how many jigsaws I have completed since being fired), I don't catastrophise but the underlying fears remain and the mood dips. My finances are on a knife edge and I dread the post each day because one day that brown envelope that spells the end of my son's disability payments will arrive and I will have to jump through flaming hoops to get him reassessed, I try not to dwell on it but the fear is there and you fall a little deeper into that well.

So now I wear my mask, I laugh with friends and family, I'm fine I say but I'm not, it's all an act, with that job went my confidence, my self esteem and my pride. It's stupid that I have allowed that to happen, no one else but me should be in charge of those and no none should be able to take them away but they do. So I sit here feeling worthless when I should be excited about becoming a Nanna in August, every day I wake up and vow that today will be different but by mid morning it all seems too much, I've sent out a few more applications, I've done some modules on an excel course, I've even done some housework (although not ironing, there are limits after all) but it is all such an effort. Ah well, tomorrow's another day, I have a Tesco delivery and a walk to the butchers to look forward to! Maybe someone will reply to a job application, maybe I'll be good enough for someone.

If you have read this then I apologise for the doom and gloom nature as opposed to a picture of a card, I needed to write it down.

2 comments:

Janette said...

You have just taken a huge first step onwards, what happened with your job was maybe a blessing in disguise, something else will reveal itself to you, who knows, maybe you could go to night classes or re train for something new, it's never to late, your only young yet so don't worry so much and on top of all that your about to have your heart captured by a beautiful grandchild, take stock of what you have and move on, honestly, we have all been there, it's not a good time, but the sun will shine again....now go get your craft stash out and do some crafting, great therapy....take care....xx

As.I.Do.Rodos. said...

What a heart breaking journey you have had. Sending my good wishes and hope that you might now turn a corner. Take care big hugs Ginny xx